So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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