Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
