Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
