too bad you live with your parents still
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
