apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
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I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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