remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
