I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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