just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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