So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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