you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
