I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
