is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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