just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
