I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
