Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
