Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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