this beer tastes like vomit already
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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