If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
