I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
