My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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