I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
