I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
