He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
