Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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