I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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