Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
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I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
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I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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