No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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