you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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