Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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