If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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