You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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