He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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