you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
