I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Hippo gnu deer
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
