When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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