Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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