what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
