Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
