I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
