I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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