I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
