My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize