My nipple is on Facebook.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
