No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
