I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
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