Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
