Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
