Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
