honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
