One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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