i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
