how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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