Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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