I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
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Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
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I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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